The power behind first love:
In retrospect, I seem to have given a lot of thought to the idea of "first love" and how much influence that person ends up having over your life. No matter how little your willing to admit, the first person you fall in love with, will forever effect your experiences in romance and relationships.
In my own experience, that person still holds an incredible amount of power over me. I find myself happily married and far beyond those days in Junior High School when love came knocking on my door, yet no matter how much time attempts to carry me forward through life, I continue to look back on that part of my history. I suppose it's because your first love is the one who literally molds your heart, prepares you for a life of love and heartache as you struggle to basically "practice" love on each other. it's therefore only natural I guess that for a heart they themselves molded, they would of course possess a key that fits perfectly into it's lock, giving her almost a free pass into the deepest parts of my soul, and there seems little I can do to stop that. (At least I can admit this.)
I simply don't understand it all I guess. It can be years, with no contact, but it only seems to take the mention of their name to bring a million emotions, and a thousand memories to the surface, to break down every barrier you've ever had to put up around your heart, in defense of ever having it shattered to pieces again. Like a Gothic castle covered with towers and ramparts, and yet one person in the world seems to know about the secret passage leading inside. Just hearing their voice can again conjure those magical spells they had woven around you when love first found it's way through your unsuspecting soul ( a voice it seems, you can listen to for hours on end). It can seem almost second nature to submit to their wishes and give into those spells again, and when you do cross paths, time seems to stand still, as if time is willing to grant a reprieve while you glance back through the past. It's like every cheesy "chick flick" and love song rolled up into a single storyline, filled with all the clichés our society would allow in one plot.
As time goes on, your tastes will change, your life will most definitely change and you'll move forward with existence, having a billion new experiences that will ultimately shape your person. You'll love again and you won't be capable of stopping yourself from comparing EVERY relationship to that first one, whether you consciously do or not. You'll most likely experience marriage, finding that one person your most comfortable sharing the rest of your life with, ultimately falling in love for the LAST time and forever turning your back on the nightmare of dating. However...there will always be a space reserved in your heart for that person who first taught you HOW to love, and WHY we do.
I think I finally realize now, that it just can't be helped, it's the power behind "first love".
I wish everyone is as lucky as I was, when they experience love for the first time...and for that, I can only thank her for helping to show me the way.
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Relationships. Show all posts
Tuesday, May 8, 2007
Monday, May 7, 2007
Even The Poets Dare Not Dream About It
How strange is it that a single emotion can be the cause of so many other feelings, on completely different ends of the emotional spectrum?
One moment you can feel like the world is passing you by, leaving you alone in a sea of doubt, and no matter how hard you try to stay afloat, there is a sinking feeling in your soul as hopelessness slowly sets in. The next thing you know, you've found that ultimate desire, that one thing you've searched for your entire life, that one missing element that completes you, your world is brighter and it seems like Heaven has truly found it's place on Earth, at least for you. Then, like some inevitable antagonist, the poison slowly works it's way into your life again, eating away at all you hold dare. When you finally recover from being hit across the face by fate, you find yourself looking back out upon that sea of doubt once more (wow that is one large ocean).
A single emotion, part of an unlimited palette of different feelings a person can have in their lifetime. While other feelings, other experiences, fade away, finding their home in the distant memories of a long life, this one never falters, and once you feel it, it forever boils at the surface of your consciousness, bringing forth every other feeling along with it.
Some people renounce it, claim life is easier without the trials involved, turning their backs on something they believe causes more harm then good in the end. Others beg for the opportunity, believing that they are missing out on the greatest gift we have to give, forever hoping for it to finds it's way into their lives. It seems that no two people can completely agree on how to handle it, yet in one way or another, we've all experienced it.
Think of it like that perennial plant you'll ultimately find yourself purchasing this spring for one reason or another:
You'll choose it from what seems like an endless amount of similar choices. You'll turn it around in your hands, unfairly comparing it to every other plant at the flower shop. You'll probably pay more for it then you were planning, but when you take it home, it will look perfect in it's designated location. You'll take care of it, glancing at it when you feel like it, to help cheer you up, to get you through another day in this world. It will bloom, bringing brightness to your life, and when you look at it, you'll smile. Then one day, you'll take it for granted, you'll forget to give it the attention it needs to survive (maybe something else in life grab your attention and became a new priority), but the plant will wither and go limp. Oh you'll try to water it again, re-pot it, give it food, but it will just turn brown and die. Without another choice and all that remorse, you'll take the bulb from the pot and throw it in the ground under the tree in the backyard, forgetting about it while life continues to sweep you up in other experiences. One day you'll be sitting out in the backyard, looking at that tree, reminiscing about the past, but losing all the details in translation, and you'll see that sprout....and you'll remember again. You'll go out there every day to check on it, to hope. Slowly your attention will be rewarded with a new plant, bigger and stronger then when you first bought it, it will reach for the sky, and bring joy and happiness. Yet each time it will ultimately die with the first frost. How strange that it seems to take so much punishment, but always returns again, stronger then it was at first.
It is a tricky word, it means so much to so many people. There are a million ways to describe it, and yet it seems so powerful at times, that it will go places that even poets dare not dream of. However, be careful, although it holds ultimate power of those that bow to it's influence, it can bring pain that may seem unbearable, and cause a wound to open, that may never heal.
One moment you can feel like the world is passing you by, leaving you alone in a sea of doubt, and no matter how hard you try to stay afloat, there is a sinking feeling in your soul as hopelessness slowly sets in. The next thing you know, you've found that ultimate desire, that one thing you've searched for your entire life, that one missing element that completes you, your world is brighter and it seems like Heaven has truly found it's place on Earth, at least for you. Then, like some inevitable antagonist, the poison slowly works it's way into your life again, eating away at all you hold dare. When you finally recover from being hit across the face by fate, you find yourself looking back out upon that sea of doubt once more (wow that is one large ocean).
A single emotion, part of an unlimited palette of different feelings a person can have in their lifetime. While other feelings, other experiences, fade away, finding their home in the distant memories of a long life, this one never falters, and once you feel it, it forever boils at the surface of your consciousness, bringing forth every other feeling along with it.
Some people renounce it, claim life is easier without the trials involved, turning their backs on something they believe causes more harm then good in the end. Others beg for the opportunity, believing that they are missing out on the greatest gift we have to give, forever hoping for it to finds it's way into their lives. It seems that no two people can completely agree on how to handle it, yet in one way or another, we've all experienced it.
Think of it like that perennial plant you'll ultimately find yourself purchasing this spring for one reason or another:
You'll choose it from what seems like an endless amount of similar choices. You'll turn it around in your hands, unfairly comparing it to every other plant at the flower shop. You'll probably pay more for it then you were planning, but when you take it home, it will look perfect in it's designated location. You'll take care of it, glancing at it when you feel like it, to help cheer you up, to get you through another day in this world. It will bloom, bringing brightness to your life, and when you look at it, you'll smile. Then one day, you'll take it for granted, you'll forget to give it the attention it needs to survive (maybe something else in life grab your attention and became a new priority), but the plant will wither and go limp. Oh you'll try to water it again, re-pot it, give it food, but it will just turn brown and die. Without another choice and all that remorse, you'll take the bulb from the pot and throw it in the ground under the tree in the backyard, forgetting about it while life continues to sweep you up in other experiences. One day you'll be sitting out in the backyard, looking at that tree, reminiscing about the past, but losing all the details in translation, and you'll see that sprout....and you'll remember again. You'll go out there every day to check on it, to hope. Slowly your attention will be rewarded with a new plant, bigger and stronger then when you first bought it, it will reach for the sky, and bring joy and happiness. Yet each time it will ultimately die with the first frost. How strange that it seems to take so much punishment, but always returns again, stronger then it was at first.
It is a tricky word, it means so much to so many people. There are a million ways to describe it, and yet it seems so powerful at times, that it will go places that even poets dare not dream of. However, be careful, although it holds ultimate power of those that bow to it's influence, it can bring pain that may seem unbearable, and cause a wound to open, that may never heal.
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